The Intimate Men
The Intimate Men : Men who Wear the Cape of Vulnerability
Today, I was sitting with my partner, and he called out to me, saying “Come here Nikki I need you’’, I went towards him and hugged him from behind. The whole body of my partner sank into mine and he smiled, ‘that smile was of an inner child’’, that felt loved.
Whenever we talk about men, we talk about them being closed off, or not expressing their emotions, or either not understanding ours, or shaming emotions, or feeling like a wall, with no intimate relations, basically the emotional soft centre within them feels a little off to us.
When I say men, I mean any of us who experience the masculine part in them, being more in expression, which might turn into extreme masculinity and the feminine part is somewhere hiding to protect itself from the eyes of society. This can be people of any gender, if you feel this then let’s dive deeper.
This was me 5 years ago, where the masculine part in me was overexpressed and my feminine part, the one that nourishes, cherishes, tends, and softness, was suppressed because I had to belong to a culture where suddenly it was the new fashion in female bodies to MAN up otherwise, you’ll miss your chance to belong.
Now, the culture, the society that we seem to blame is not the problem, it is the Trauma that lives in us, even before we are born. It is in the bones of the people that form this culture. Where hypermasculinity or hypo-masculinity makes the tea bitter or bland, and hyper femininity or hypofeminity also makes the tea bitter or bland it's the balance of this in us that flourishes the intimacy we speak about in the collective. Have you had a cup of tea with a balance? then you know the flavour, it is the integration at the heart of balance that we need to Savor. Well, cheers to that. (My sister makes the best Tea and she inspired me with the thought)
The men that we see learned this in their bodies, from the other bodies, that were brewing this trauma in them, with the toughening up, not crying, not getting intimate, just shaking hands with other men, staying at a distance from the other male bodies to not show that they are gay (feminine side in male bodies is viewed as gay in our culture, and means the belonging is threatened to express and even embody your feminine side, just by the way being gay or any other gender also have bodies feeling threatened in our culture that has less capacity for ambiguity), walling up against the partner, not expressing their pain, overextending their service to other to prove their worth, or not
considering others needs as not being able to hold others, connecting with other male bodies with a constricted body and tension within, and same with other bodies. All of this is just the innocent body saying, ‘Well this is what I learned to be safe and I am going to make sure we do this, otherwise it’s threatening to exist here in my true authentic flavour.
Where do we start to embody our masculine and feminine parts? We start in our bodies. We start noticing our bodies. We start noticing instances in our daily lives, where are we inviting the male bodies to embody their feminine side, as a male body, do you soften in the existence of other male bodies, are you able to express your emotions or even just lay your head on the male body as a sign to relax and soften, it is our entertainment ( male bodies that are coping with pain tend to tag along and call these bonds ) that makes us believe that male friendships are just about drinking or coping together, forgetting that male bodies do need this co-regulation with other male bodies to even tap into their feminine part within and same goes with females, where we as fathers distance ourselves from the son in our house, as it is so difficult to connect with the vulnerability of the son because it was never welcomed for you and your body does not have the capacity for the other? The wall between the father and son is the wall between those who live with the male bodies across cultures, it is also the intergenerational trauma that other male bodies brutalized and had to kill other male
bodies, and toughening up is the way they survived this overwhelming pain within. Where do we as mothers put our sons through this male test of being the perfect male that we did not experience in our lives, where do we make them go against their masculinity, by shaming and blaming it to be the cause of other female bodies’ suffering? It is the two sides of the same coin, masculinity and femininity, both are shamed and blamed, so the extreme side of it comes to life when the trauma resides in the body to protect itself. The dynamic of our wounded masculine and feminine within is passed down to our children through our bodies and the culture that is made of all these bodies that have disconnected parts within.
I also feel so much of male bodies constrict with the feminine energy within ,because the bodies have over coupled feminine qualities of being soft, nurturing, weaving together, integrating, taking along, holding in warmth, and so much more as something that puts one in danger, as these men in the earlier times viewed these female bodies being abused, murdered, raped, dehumanised, and so much more , it brings chill to my own female body, these imprints are from the vicarious trauma, it is a surge of energy we all feel when we see someone in danger or lifethreatening event in front of us, our nervous systems tries to protect itself from the potential danger by taking in all
the messaging, this is the messaging these male bodies took inside, the feminine energy puts your life at risk ,which is so innocent to learn and yet our bodies could not catch up to the reality that it is not about the victim is weak and the other is strong , this facade in the firstplace caused the othering and one ready to inflict such pain on the other. It is not about strong or weak or even about, victim or perpetrator but about, where a human felt the need to control, dehumanize, manipulate, abuse, molest, or even kill the other, just because connecting was something unsettling in their bodies and settling in their bodies was not, because the traumatic energy in their body needs to repeat itself
and it did this way.
I learned it with my late Father, I experienced the feminine embodied within him through his small gestures every day when he cooked food for me when I could not as a 16-year-old who lost her mother, a man who taught me how to care for others and nurture the love we hold for others, a man who taught me how to hold the ground when things blurry in a relationship, a man who taught me to rest when period cramps took over me, a man who cared for me and loved every day like a mother and father, he led the way but not with control but with gentleness, he provided for me but not with domination instead with care, he did guide but not him vs me, instead us together. A man who embodies the feminine energy within, extends the capacity to the male body to hold this gurgling and heightening masculine energy, with a warm embrace, it’s the blend of these two that’s gives us the recipe for a man that does not overextends himself, that does not cope with pain, that does not wall up to emotions, that does not feel defeated to the feminine, that feels no need to win over the feminine, that does not feel the need to achieve in order to prove his existence, that does not connect to other male through manning up but through intimate conversations, that does not feel called to friendships that are just surface based and not intimate enough for him to be vulnerable and let himself flow, that does not feel shy to hold own up love and care and nurture in front of other male bodies as a threat to his belonging, that knows how sexy caring and nurturing feels to the body, that does not feel the need to be man proving his masculinity but instead nurturing it within with the feminine energy.
My father did not show what a perfect masculine is, instead, he showed me a body that embodied the feminine and masculine, these energies that integrate and showed me a human being that walked with grace, compassion, love, groundedness, resilience, patience, awareness, openness, rest, animal spirit, earthly humbleness, connection, care, nurture, belonging, wholeness, presence, self- regulation, spirit connectedness, boldly imperfect, curious, humour, joy, rooted in pleasure, flowing with each breath and a just a man who showed me life is much more simple and present than we seem to complicate and make out of it when he passed away, he left his spirit of life with me, which breathes through me through everything above.
So how do we start as a culture to tap into our grief of this blend that is long forgotten in our bodies, how do we tap into our wholeness, how do we tap into our sacred authenticity, how do we tap into our medicine of sensations, how do we connect to our feelings, how do we invite this more in our bodies, and how do we extend this when we are with other bodies.
I say let’s start with breathing more softly with bodies around you, trying to observe where we unconsciously constrict within in the presence of other bodies, where we feel the need to prove, impress, ear, belong, agree, react, argue, defend, control, other, where do we soften as bodies with other bodies, where do we settle with other bodies, where do we as a culture when we invite people to settle in their bodies, where do we as culture invite bodies to feel safe within, where do we as a culture invite people to live in wholeness and fluidly, instead of trying to give them a label to contain within, where do we have rituals in the daily life and gathering where we invite people to tap into their bodies and listen more of it? where do we as a culture invite men to give the space to embody the feminine energy instead of blaming them for the suppressed feminine in the culture, where are we forgetting that it is the feminine and masculine suppression within us that gives us a society where both of these suffer and become the cause of the suffering, so before we question why men like this? let’s listen to the response to our bodies that are showing us the stories, intel, license, medicine, and rituals of the suppressed masculine and feminine.
